The current presidential contest has been the most divisive in modern American history. The only candidates people seem to hate more than their own is everyone else’s. In this time of political turmoil, America needs a man it can trust. A man of integrity. A man who won’t waste time thinking when he could be doing. It needs Florida Man.
As The Laugh Button’s head political writer for going on one paragraph now, I’ve seen my fair share of politicians vying for your vote, but none come close to the quality of Florida Man. He’s the only candidate tackling the tough issues, like the need to build a wall between the US and Cuba. According to Mr. Man, his buddy Chris would be willing to build it himself for a 12 pack of Coors light and a carton of American Spirits.
Florida Man is a Washington outsider, in that he’s never even been to Washington, or any state outside of Florida – except once when he went to Alabama to buy the good fireworks. He’ll also fix the economy using the same business savvy that once allowed him to settle an $80 bar tab with just a baby. He’ll utilize everything he learned squatting in Rick Scott’s beach house to revitalize America’s infrastructure of E-cig stores and payday loan vendors.
Hillary Clinton doesn’t want you to vote for Florida Man because he’s technically “a sex offender” and “drunk right now” but that just shows how little she knows. He never touched anyone; he just exposed himself to single moms at a Baby’s-R-Us, and he’s actually not drunk at all – just super high. Hillary’s afraid of Florida Man’s knowledge of the healthcare system, since he’s currently on more medication than all other candidates combined; some of which he was even prescribed!
Florida Man understands the plight of minority youth in America, since he himself is 1/32nd American Alligator on his mom’s side. He in fact can relate to all young people because knows the price of college football games has skyrocketed, and he’s prepared to subsidize those tickets using tax revenues from legalizing America’s fastest growing local businesses: Meth labs.
Local papers have all but endorsed Florida Man for president calling him “A […] member […] of society,” “A model inmate,” and “One of the biggest factors in how people view Florida.” Don’t just take it from the media. Here are some quotes from the man himself, taken from a speech given at his last political rally/arraignment hearing:
“This is bullsh*t! Ain’t we living in America anymore? Is we in communist France right now?! Every child, regardless of the size of their trailer, should have the right to bath salts! I’ll show you! I’m gonna to run for president and then you’ll be sorry. I’ma win cause my campaign’s gonna be about the three C’s: Character, Christian Values, and Cough Syrup! Then you’ll be executed for conspiracy to be an uptight dick, your honor!”
You can attend one of his campaign rallies, coming to a Sonic parking lot near you, just as soon as he posts bail. And if somehow you aren’t sold on this great man for president, just ask yourself one question: Could he really be that much worse than Trump?
