A veteran comedian like
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Bobby Collins
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has seen and done everything in his 30 years as a comic. But some of his most fascinating ideas are on the government, politicians, and the dumbing of America. He’s been to the White House, been asked to play basketball with The President so we spent a few minutes with Collins to find out just what he thinks about the people that make up this country and our political system.
In what should be no surprise to anyone, he had a lot to say about the topic.
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Do did you see a bunch of characters when you were visiting the white house?
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I was Chelsea Clinton’s favorite comedian, so I was there twice. I remember the first time I got the call and I went in to perform, I was standing in the back. She’s got 200 friends.  Ha, who has 200 friends? Then the president came walking in, and I looked at him and I went, “I gotta tell you something, Mr. President.”
He goes, “What’s that, Bob?”
Now, I’m a kid from New York City, and I’m standing next to the President of the United States. I say, “You notice that little sweat I got above my lip? Below my nose?”
He goes, “I get that sometimes too.”
But I looked in his eyes – and where was I? I was in Cleveland last week. And the guy there,
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Something and Mallone
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, do you know that guy? He said, ‚Äö√Ñ√∫Bobby, you called it when you went to the White House seven-eight years ago.‚Äö√Ñ√π He goes, “you called it when you looked at him.”
‘Cause I looked at him and I came back and told him, ‚Äö√Ñ√∫This guy‚Äö√Ñ√¥s a player.‚Äö√Ñ√π
And then that whole thing came out with the cigars and shit. And everyone goes, ‚Äö√Ñ√∫No, Bobby, you can‚Äö√Ñ√¥t say that-“
“He’s a player!” I called it, and they remembered.
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Have you met the new president at all?
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No, no. I was supposed to play basketball with him one day – with guys down in Florida. Good guys, real good guys, people of society down there. They have a game, and I always play in their game because I played in college.
They said, “Bobby, Barack Obama wants to have a game. Are you in?”
I went, “I’M IN!” But it didn’t ever happen.
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Yeah, him and four security guards right? “That’s a moving pick… sir.”
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Nah, haha. Let‚Äö√Ñ√¥s put it this way: I‚Äö√Ñ√¥m not that advanced, so I would go vote for a guy that could sing and play basketball. Rather than the other guy, who‚Äö√Ñ√¥s got that little fruity walk, and he‚Äö√Ñ√¥s wearing those holy underwear. C‚Äö√Ñ√¥mon! This country really goes for a guy who believes in an alien being? Are we out of our minds? That’s how bad things have gotten in our country. I mean if people are really considering this stuff ‚Äö√Ñ√¨ that‚Äö√Ñ√¥s sad. That‚Äö√Ñ√¥s really sad.
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It seems like you’re still working out. So basketball is a thing takes up rec time for Bobby Collins?
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Well I’m doing okay. Playing ball. A shoulder operation recently on the bone. Two bones rubbin’.
But comedy’s good! It gives me the extension of talking about what’s happening. You know, they just did a thing on
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Arnold Schwarzenegger
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on
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Sixty Minutes
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. There’s a reason why they didn’t give him any lines in the movies!
“Action!‚Äö√Ñ√π ‚Äö√Ñ√∫I‚Äö√Ñ√¥ll be back.”
He’s a moron. He’s a fuckin’ moron. He got rid of Maria for that one girl? And they had a kid for ten –
Are you out of your mind? And he was a governor?
Somebody said to me yesterday in an interview, they said “Bob, you have to give him a lot of credit because he came from a foreign country.”
I go, “What do you mean? Give him a lot?”
He goes, “Well he worked his way up to movies…”
I go, “Wait a minute. He didn’t even know his father was a Nazi storm trooper.”
I can’t talk to people. My wife always asks, “Why do you say shit like that?”
I go, “You know, we’re sharing the planet with a lot of different types of people. We gotta start thinning out the herd. You know, the gene pool could use some chlorine.” It’s sad. It’s the dumbing of America. Do you remember you used to watch the news at six o’clock – when I was a kid? If you missed it, fuck it! See ya tomorrow! Now, it’s on 24 hours a day. It’s scaring the life out of everybody!
My wife called me asks, “what’s going on?”
I reply, ‚Äö√Ñ√∫Iran‚Äö√Ñ√¥s got a bomb‚Äö√Ѭ∂ Syria, they just took out some… Don‚Äö√Ñ√¥t leave your house, they‚Äö√Ñ√¥ll foreclose on you… The elections coming, they‚Äö√Ñ√¥re gonna save…‚Äö√Ñ√π
She says, “Where are you?”
I go, “I’m in the bathroom with a helmet on. Tell the kids I love ‘em.”
Turn this shit off! It’s all bullying.
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Donald Trump
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? “Your fired.” Wait a minute! I was [from] the seventies. We all smoked our body weight in pot. Peace, love, tie-dye. We all moved up together. We didn’t leave someone behind.
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You’re
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fired! And your hair is the color of tang! You’re an asshole.
What happened? The lowest common denominator is on television. I was watching this show – talk about broken dreams, lost promises, and failure –
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The Housewives of New Jersey
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. This is all bullying shit! They bully each other. They’re stupid despicable people. Our kids are watching! “I want to have tits like her.” Then you’re a fucking moron. I don’t get it. It’s the dumbing of America.
Who cares about these [people]? They’re delinquents. They’re disgusting. What happened to shows I grew up with?
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Sky King
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?
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My Little Margie
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? Your mother could leave you, and you could watch and learn things.
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The Millionaire
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? These were great shows.
Now? Snookie.
Look! Everyone’s getting scared. They’re tuning out. They’re texting. They’re getting fat as shit. We shouldn’t have sizes anymore, we should have poundage. You look at people and you go, “Oh, honey, you gotta be arrested.” “Why?” “Those pants.”
It’s so sad. We’re eating everything. We’re scared. That’s an emotion of fear. So we just eat for comfort because the world sucks anyway. “What the hell, I might as well eat.” How crazy is this world?
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But at least New York is taking a step: banning the liter of cola?
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But it took a government? A liter!? We couldn’t do that ourselves? Put the fucking thing down. Stop drinking that. Oh, we needed a mayor?!
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Yeah, I had a good discussion with [Adam] Carolla about how pizza is a vegetable.
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Adam Carolla? Ha, I went on his podcast.  He’s not a comic, is he?
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He doesn’t like ketchup, I’ll tell you that much. And he doesn’t like pizza. So I gave that one to him.
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[Adam Carolla impression] ‚Äö√Ñ√∫Hey Bobby, I want to ask you, Bobby…‚Äö√Ñ√π I‚Äö√Ñ√¥m like, ‚Äö√Ñ√∫What?!‚Äö√Ñ√π ‚Äö√Ñ√∫You‚Äö√Ñ√¥ve opened for everybody. You‚Äö√Ñ√¥re always out. Everyone‚Äö√Ñ√¥s working the comedy clubs.‚Äö√Ñ√π I go, ‚Äö√Ñ√∫I don‚Äö√Ñ√¥t like comedy clubs. I don‚Äö√Ñ√¥t work comedy clubs. I saw what was happening with them.‚Äö√Ñ√π
You know I used to go into a comedy club if I had a night off. I’d go into a club to watch other comics, and I learn things. I’d sit there and go,
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oh that’s good.
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Or they would spark something in my brain.
I stopped down – not recently, like last year – at a couple clubs where I was traveling. They didn’t offer anything. The comics weren’t offering me anything. It wasn’t stimulating. They were talking about stupid shit!
You job as a comic is to entertain and to educate. Teach me something that I don’t already know, or give me a different angle from how I look at it. Just give me something!
They weren’t giving me anything. My wife says, “Did you get inspired?” I go, “Not at all! If anything, I got sad! They’re not looking at shit. They’re talking about dumb shit: pussy, getting laid, ‘my texting’”
I don’t get it!
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Do you think it’s a generational thing? Do you think that there is a style of comedy that’s dropped that, or maybe not able to educate?
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Everything is cyclical. The economy is part of it. People are eating Bitch Flakes and drinking Haterade. People are battling, and you can feel it out there. Everything’s a battle.
What did my wife say the other day? She’s a Pilates instructor for the Hollywood elite. I always see them coming and going. One of them is a rabbi.
She goes, “See that rabbi? That woman? She smokes so much pot.‚Äö√Ñ√π And she just tells me, ‚Äö√Ñ√∫People hold her up like a pillar.‚Äö√Ñ√π
I go, “And you’re a Pilates instructor. And people hold me up like I’m a comic. People don’t hold [me] up. You come out and say what’s on your mind.” She goes, “Bobby, they hold you up.” I don’t give a fuck, I’m a comic. I’m supposed to see the corners that people don’t see and talk about them, and have fun with it. That’s a gift.
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I’ve noticed the same thing where it’s taken a step away from education. The attitude is, “I don’t want these people to learn something. I’m just going to tell them some B.S. We’re gonna talk about politics.”
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Yeah, talk to me about [politics], but have a point of view. Tell me what you think. Politics… You‚Äö√Ñ√¥d think our country was heading toward getting educated. The government keeps creating crises to keep people down. I‚Äö√Ñ√¥ve always known that. If it wasn‚Äö√Ñ√¥t for sports and television, we‚Äö√Ñ√¥d all be down in our basements cleaning our muskets thinking about ways to overthrow the government.
I was thinking about that recently, and I remembered that whole thing with Katrina. I remember after the hurricane, all those bodies were floating. They interviewed all those people, and asked them, “Why didn’t you leave?” “We had no cars.” “Run!” “Well, we were waiting for the government.” “The government?!? The cable guy is more reliable than your fucking government! Are you nuts?!” People believe in this stuff.
We’re from New York: Pay your taxes, wear a helmet, stay low. Government? You’re nuts! I don’t get it.
PeopIe… I give up… I mean, I never give up. My job is the circus guy: the clown that has to go to all the different cities and see where they’re at.
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A listener said that you had a dog bit that they used to love back in the day. Not to put you on the spot, but I thought I’d carry on what a listener recommended.
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You know, it’s funny because I went on the Carson show, and it was my first shot. He was banging the desk saying, “Get over here!” I went over there, and you’re supposed to give him five questions prior, and I did, ‘cause that’s television. And out of nowhere, he’s laughing about something.
He goes, “Bobby, do you have a dog?” And it wasn’t one of the questions. And my wife and I had just got a dog. And I said, “Yeah, and I didn’t know you’re not allowed to give a dog salsa sauce. No one ever ever said that if you give a dog salsa sauce, you start to see its butt –
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dun dun dun dun ,”
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and I started to do it. And he was crying.
Two weeks later I was back on again. Unbeknownst to me, there are 70 million dog owners in this country. And the next thing you know, I’m playing at the dog museum in St. Louis. And there’s Mrs. Clap-On, you know, the president’s mother? The old lady? Bush! Yeah, Barbara! She was there sitting in the front row crying, crying, laughing about my dog!
That bit honestly had me my first home within four months doing it on the Carson show. You go on the Leno show now: I asked some guys “How many times you been on it?” “Two or three times.” I say, “Really? Has your money increased?” They go, “No. As a matter of fact, it’s gone down.” I go, “You’re kidding! Because when we went on, your career was made.
Then I hosted VH1. I toured with Sinatra and Cher. You know, things moved. It’s not like that anymore.
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We’ll wrap it up here. What’s going on in Bobby’s life now?
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I got a book coming out. It’s called Bobby Collins on the inside: Life lessons 101. Everything that I wish, when I was a kid that somebody sat me down and told me. All those truths. But I’ve learned it on the road. So I give all: from the stupid-ass club owners, to the other comics that you meet who really don’t care for their craft, and what I’ve learned from it. What goes around comes around. God first, family second, career third. Put one ahead of the other. You gotta get on where you left off. Never show your enemy your face. All the things I’ve learned from the street.
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Is there a time we might be able to expect it?
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January.
Thanks to Bobby Collins, and keep an eye out for his new book in early 2013. Visit
www.bobbycollins.com
for news and tour dates.
