Tom Brady

The MVP’s & Best Jokes From The Roast Of Tom Brady

On Sunday night, comedy and sports fans united together for an epic roast of Tom Brady. When Netflix announced the roast earlier this year - which was to take place during the Netflix is a Joke Festival in Los Angeles - we knew we had to be there. We were lucky enough to see everything unfold in person, while being simultaneously live streamed.

The vibe in the room was just as infectious as it seemed on TV. It was a sea of Tom Brady fans, but also just as many people that weren’t fans who couldn’t wait to see Brady get roasted. From the moment that fans were being brought in to the end of the show, it was clear that this was the hottest ticket in town.

With any roast, there’s going to be some hits and misses. But there were so many standout moments that we had to shout them out. We’re going to take a look at the best roast jokes from the talented participants, and see who got the best burns in.

Kevin Hart

“I mean, Jesus Christ, Tom. One of the smartest quarterbacks ever played a game. How did you not see [his recent divorce] coming? Eight fucking karate classes a day. … Eight karate classes a day and she’s still a white belt. Fuck Tom. The only bruises she had were on her ass. Everybody should have known it.”

Nikki Glaser

“No one works harder than this man [Kevin Hart]. Do you know that Kevin wakes up at 4:00 AM to make a shitty movie? I love your movies, or as I call them: short films. I’m kidding, I hate them.”

“Tom, you’re the best to ever play for too long, you retired then came back then retired, I get it. … It’s hard to walk away from something that isn’t your pregnant girlfriend. To be fair he didn’t know, he just thought she was getting fat.”

“Tom also lost $30 million in crypto. Tom, how did you fall for that? Even Gronk was like, ‘Me know that not real money!’”

Jeff Ross

”I had to dress like OJ, because I’m about to kill this white bitch right here.”

“Tom became a Patriot, moved up to New England, and on the first day of training camp, that scrawny rookie famously walked into the owner Robert Kraft’s office and said ‘I’m the best decision your organization has ever made,' Would you like a massage?”

“We’re doing it Boston-style tonight. You know, it’s going to marathon, and somebody’s gonna bomb.”

Ron Burgundy

“Underneath that dead robot of a quarterback, there is a scared little boy. How do I know this? You don’t see Eli Manning here tonight, do you? That’s because he’s afraid of Eli Manning. Eli Manning made Tom Brady his bitch!”

Bill Belichick

“Was it Brady, me, Brady, me? In reality, the truth of the matter is it was both of us - because of me.”

“It was hard to butt heads with Tom because he was so far up Alex Guerrero’s ass.”

Tony Hinchcliffe

“Tom Brady, why do you look like a gay Tom Brady?”

“Gronk, I’m happy you can take a break from writing Santa letters to be here today. I knew you were here when we were all out of chocolate milk backstage.”

“Bert Kreischer is a king. He looks like the tiger king and liver king only ate Burger King and had a liver that looked like Martin Luther King and got beat up by Rodney King.”

Bert Kreischer & Tom Segura

“The only difference between Tom Brady and Hitler is that Hitler stuck with his wife until the end.”

Sam Jay

“If you [Bert Kreischer] were actually talented, you would have overdosed in a hotel room a long time ago.”

“The only ring you [Drew Bledsoe] have is the one Tom won for you. So your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap on. Just because you wear it doesn’t make it real.”

Peyton Manning

“I want nothing but the best for my friend, Tom Brady. Now that we’re both in broadcasting, some people think it’s a rivalry again, that I want to see Tom fail. That I want to see him embarrass himself and get fired. That is absolutely ridiculous - it’s Coach Belichick who wants that.”

Andrew Schulz

“This stage has seen more trauma than a Kennedy on the campaign trail.”

“That’s why Dana [White] is here, so you can learn how to fuck a Brazilian out of half their purse. Sorry, that was a Gisele quote.”

Tom Brady

“You know why my knees are so fucked up, Kevin [Hart]? Because I spent so many God-damn hours on the floor begging Netflix to get Dave Chappelle to host this. Yeah. Fuck you, Kevin!"

“Everybody asks me which ring is my favorite. I used to say, ‘The next one.’ But now that I’m retired, my favorite ring is the camera that caught Coach Belichick slinking out of that poor girl’s house at 6 a.m. a few months ago.”

“Despite everything we’ve seen here tonight, Gronk was actually useful on the field. Although the bar for Patriots tight ends was pretty low back then: block, catch, don’t murder.”

Special MVP Moment

Kevin Hart managed to keep the long show moving along as best he could. There was one inspired moment, though, that came up organically. After Robert Kraft’s surprise appearance, he managed to convince Kraft and rival Bill Belichick to take a shot together. Thats something that would normally be unheard of. But at a roast (especially when it's live), anything goes!

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